The Many Jobs of Sirius Black
by Chilibob
Summary: This is a gathering of some weird, Corny, Kraft dinnery, and amusing if you like that kind of thing, tales about the charming, attractive and dimwitted Sirius Black!And Snape, Remus, Harry, Mysterious man, Steve the violin player. And many more!
1. Chapter 1

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black**

**Ch 1: The First Task**

Sirius Black was sitting on his couch and he was very confused. He was also sad because he couldn't toilet train his pet Cantaloupe named Bunion.

"Remus, Why don't I have a job?" asked Sirius to his roommate Remus Lupin. He then remembered that Remus was upstairs playing Checkers with an obese Mexican jumping bean.

"REMUS!" Yelled Sirius "Get Down Here!"

While waiting for Remus to get down there Sirius tried to run into a wall, missed and ran into Snape, who was staying at the house because his wife had kicked him out of his house.

"Grunt!" grunted Snape angrily.

"Sorry, Grandpa you beef!" said Sirius like an idiot who thought his enemy was his Grandpa.

"HOW DARE YOU! I AM NOT YOUR GRANDPA! YOU HAVE INSAULTED EVERYTHING THAT IS SALTY AND SALT COTED!" Yelled Snape pulling out his wand.

"But you look just like my grandpa!" said Sirius. And to prove his point he pulled a picture of his Grandpa. Sure enough the picture was almost identical to Snape.

"AAAGGGGHHH!" Roared Snape like a person who had just found out he looked almost identical to his enemy's grandpa. To release his anger he started beating Pencil's.

Sirius then practiced his dance moves and prank phone called Professor Mcgonigal.

Remus finally arrived wearing a long blonde wig.

"I have decided to go blonde. " He explained. Sirius didn't hear him on account of he was rolling on the flour laughing. Remus frowned. He had a feeling if asked he would get a ridiculous explanation. He asked anyway.

"I'm laughing because I prank phone called Mcgonigal!" explained Sirius.

"What's a phone?" asked Remus in a confused way.

"I don't know," said Sirius also in a confused way. 'Remus why don't I have a job?"

"Because your hiding from the police, Sirius" said Remus rolling his eyes. Was it possible to be that stupid?

"What if I got a muggle job?" whined Sirius " I want a job really bad!"

"People would still recognize you. Stupid-head. You are so stupid that a five year old Midget is ten times more intelligent than you." Said Remus matter-of-factly.

"But I'll wear a disguise! Watch this!" Sirius turned around. When he turned back to Remus he was wearing a fake mustache. He then grabbed the wig of off Remus' head and put it on his own head.

Remus started to laugh and roll on the flour because Sirius now looked like a blond woman with a bushy black mustache. He also started to cry because his wig was gone.

"Yay!" said Sirius "I can now go get a job! YAY! Yay! YAY!" Sirius continued saying "Yay" and dancing for approximately twenty-two minutes.

Then while Remus still was laughing on the flour Sirius left the house in search of a job that suited his personality.

Later that night Sirius got home and went into the Living room and took of his disguise. Remus and Snape were both standing upside down on his head facing each other for some strange disturbing reason.

"I've got a job that suits my personality!" cried Sirius "I'm an heroic and much loved…"Someone did a drum roll "ice-cream man!"

"He's an idiot" Snape told Remus

"I know," said Remus

"But an attractive Idiot" cried Sirius "And now I'm an Ice-cream man! Hurray!"


	2. Chapter 2

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black**

**Ch 2: Fired**

The next morning Remus woke up to find Sirius' face exactly three centimeters away from his. This was so utterly terrifying that Remus screamed, put a pirate costume on and jumped out the window.

"I just wanted to ask you what ice-cream men wear to work!" Yelled Sirius "Oh Well. I'll ask Snape!"

Before asking Snape Sirius went through Remus stuff and stole all his cheese and pepperoni. "Yummy!" said Sirius

Sirius walked into Snape's room to find something so horribly terrifying that some people would have gone insane right there and then. Snape was shaving his legs! Eew!

But since Sirius was as stupid as a very stupid hotdog he was neither driven to insanity nor terrified. In fact he showed no sign of noticing that anything downright dreadful was happening at all. So I guess it was pointless for me to mention it and upset your stomach. I'm terribly sorry. But not really. But we'll just pretend I am.

"Snape" said Sirius "What do Ice-cream men wear to work?"

Snape was about to tell Sirius to shut up and leave him alone when he thought of a very clever evil way to bring shame upon the stupid being. He started to laugh like crazy.

Sirius stood around looking like a stupid being. To entertain himself he started to fill Snape's sock's with Kraft dinner.

"I'm such a rebel!" said Sirius when all Snape's sock were absolutely full of Kraft Dinner. "So…"

Snape came back to his senses. "Ice-cream men wear tight leather underwear, big leather boot's and no shirt to work. It's like an unwritten rule or something!" said Snape.

So Sirius put on his leather underwear, Remus' big leather boots the big blonde wig and the big bushy mustache.

If you picture this in your mind you'll understand why, when Sirius walked into the ice cream shop he was fired on the spot. Meanwhile…

When Remus woke up he was in a rosebush wearing a pirate costume. A bunch of people were pointing and laughing at him.

"Wow!" said Remus "I must be mental!" He smiled "Hooray!"

He got out of his rosebush and walked into the house. To his horror it smelt like Lavender, all the furniture had been died purplish-pink, candles were burning all over the place there was an old wrinkly man named Steve playing a violin. Also there was a tall mysterious man wearing a black trenchcoat and hat, big black sunglasses and big black boots.

"SIRIUS!" Yelled Remus so loud that the neighbor named Urkle thought his house was being attacked by giant mountain goat's and hid in his cupboard which was much to small for him so he tuned purple and was called Purple Urkle till the end of his days.

Meanwhile Sirius came down the stairs wearing a shiny pink ball gown.

"Why is our manly house all womanly?" asked Remus.

"Because I got fired by my job as an ice-cream man. So I have become a poet! All this stuff is supposed to inspire me! Exept the mysterious man. I found him in my suitcase." said Sirius.

"Plus now I get to wear a dress for some odd reason that makes no scents. Yay dresses!" Sirius stared at himself lovingly for a few moments.

"Wanna hear my poem about Snape?" asked Sirius "It's beautiful." He cried a bit because his poem was so beautiful.

"No I don't" said Remus

"Me neither" said Snape who had just came out of his room carrying a Dalmatian donkey and was looking around in complete disgust.

"Too bad" said Sirius. He then recited his idiotic poem about Severus Snape.

"Your beautiful name is Severus Snape

You have the features of a hairless ape

All those of Gryffindore think you are a sinner

I'm proud cuz I filled your socks with Kraft Dinner

Your only friend is named hairy bob

You got me fired from my job

But still I say your perfect, though an ugly man

And I'd appreciate it if you'd get a tan

I'd be sad if you died

Why when I walk by you run and hide?

You'd pass out running around a track

But know you'll always have a friend named Sirius Black"

For a moment after he finished, Remus and Snape just stared at Sirius not believing someone could be that stupid. Then Snape had a tantrum out of pure anger and disgust.

He grabbed the mysterious man and threw him out the window. If you're a fan of the mysterious man don't worry. He'll be back.

Then Snape ran out of the house and went to his anger management class.

"Sirius!" yelled Remus "I forbid you to be a Poet! Now clean up this womanly crap!"

Sirius cleaned up the womanly crap and continued his searched for a perfect job. What will it be? A mail man? A Lawyer? An Oscar Myers wiener? Only the next chapter will tell you.

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Yay mysterious man! Join the mysterious man fanclub today!


	3. Chapter 3

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ** **Ch 3: Anger Management Class**

Snape walked into the waffle shop were he would meet his anger management class for the first time ever. To his angst it was Dumbledore sitting there in a tie die shirt. He was holding a sign that said "Anger Management Instructor". Dumbledore also had a sign that said "Proud member of the mysterious man fanclub."

"This couldn't possibly be more horrible." Sighed Snape kicking an innocent bowling ball very hard. He started to cry because kicking a bowling ball with such force really hurts

When he was done crying he found out it was more horrible. Dumbledore had forgotten to put on pants! His red woman underwear had turkeys and Cheeseburgers on them.

"AGGHHHHH!" screamed Snape shielding his poor eyes "Old Senile man legs!"

"Nonsense dear boy!" said Dumbledore leading Snape out of the Waffle Shop. Mothers covered their kid's eyes. Those who didn't have any kids found some random old person and shielded their eyes.

After two minutes of walking Dumbledore stopped and announced "this is were we will have your dancing lesson." He then sat on the grass and so did Snape.

"I'm having Anger management you old senile leprechaun." said Snape

"That's what I said." Said Dumbledore " Now listen to my lessons and soon you'll be calmer that a sleeping bulldozer wearing a curly black wig. Lesson one: The cure to anger is sausage!"

"Sausage?" yelled Snape

"Yes! Sausage" said Dumbledore "Lesson two: happiness is a square yo-yo."

"AGGHHHH!" screamed Snape "YOU SENILE OLD MAN! WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS A LOAD OF CRAP!" Snape had another tantrum and ran home to the Black house so he could let out his anger by shoving a teapot down Sirius's throat. And that's just what he did.

When Sirius could breathe again he asked Sirius is the anger management glass had worked.

"You idiot!" screeched Snape "If it had helped do you think I would have shoved a teapot down your throat? And no it did not! Dumbledore just said the cure to anger is sausage and happiness is a square yo-yo!"

"WHAT? THAT'S JUST STUPID!" said Sirius so angrily that Snape almost thought he was somewhat intelligent until… "The first part is right but even a complete _moron_ knows that happiness is playing bingo!"

Sirius was so mad he stomped of to clean his cat's litterbox. He then remembered he didn't have a cat so he went to the drugstore and bought an unnecessary amount of grape flavored cough syrup.

On his way home the ministry of magic chased him because he had forgotten his disguise. He finally lost them and went home.

Meanwhile Snape was mad and pouting. This chapter was supposed to be about him not that stupid idiot Sirius. That's why when Remus and Sirius were both in the living room he did something exciting so the story would focus on him again.

"I'm going on a diet!" yelled Snape loudly. He could have just said it but he thought yelling it would be more dramatic.

"Umm…." Said Remus looking at the already to Skinny body of Severus Snape "…Why?"

"I'M SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR NEED TO DIET!" screamed Sirius, who was looking for a new job in the newspaper.

"Yeah. Me too I guess." Said Remus, who was very hungry "To celebrate your dieting we shall all have pudding!" he reached into his pocked and took out three bowls of pudding.

Sirius squealed with glee and ate his pudding in a mouthful. That caused him to get massive hiccups. He hiccuped so massively he got shot backwards and landed on Steve the violin player.

"Oh!" said Sirius "Sorry Steve the violin player!" He helped Steve back up and sat down beside Remus.

"I thought you had gotten rid of all the womanly crap!" said Remus angrily.

"Steve's not womanly crap!" said Sirius "He makes me happy. Besides I can't return him cuz I bought his on sale at a flea market."

"I can't eat pudding!" Screamed Snape realizing he couldn't eat pudding "I'm on a _diet_!" He then had yet another tantrum.

"Good thing I have diet pudding in my shoe!" said Remus pulling a bowl of diet pudding out of his shoe and handing it to Snape.

Snape squealed with glee and almost ate it but Sirius hadn't done anything in a while and he chose that moment to show his undying hatred of diet pudding.

"Diet putting! Pah!" said Sirius angrily "I Spit on diet putting!"

Sirius then Spat on Snapes diet pudding. Snape howled in anger and had another major tantrum.

"Who didn't see that one coming?" said Remus watching Snape acting like an angry lumberjack named Philip.

"I have just gotten the perfect job!" said Sirius coming in the door and taking of his disguise. Remus stared at him in shock because it had only been three minutes since Sirius had spat in Snapes Pudding, which is hardly enough time to get a job.

"Im a waitress!" said Sirius.

"You mean a waiter?" asked Snape.

"Sure. I get to wait on people! I can't wait until tomorrow." Said Sirius like a little kid on Christmas Eve.


	4. Chapter 4

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ** **Ch 4: The Return of the mysterious man**

The very next day Sirius walked into the house slamming the door very loudly and screamed "I GOT FIRED FROM MY JOB!" He started to cry and ran to his room, were he ate a tofu sandwich named Henry.

Instead of going to comfort him Remus just sat and did absolutely nothing.

Snape was having another tantrum because his favorite copy of the Holy Bible was missing.

That's when the mysterious man returned. And he returned very sneaky. Well… it would have been sneaky if he hadn't opened the front door loudly, tripped, landed on Steve the violin player and crunched his poor skull.

"Hello mysterious man" said Remus not bothering to look up. Actually he was staring at the ceiling so when the mysterious man entered Remus didn't bother to look _down._

"Hello mysterious man" said Snape. He then spilt all his grapefruit juice onto his new shiny leather pants and had yet another tantrum. He grabbed the mysterious man and tried to throw him out the door. But he missed and the mysterious man landed on poor Steve the violin player.

It was at that exact moment when the MMF (mysterious man fanclub) (including Dumbledore) ran into the door and started freaking out and trying to touch the mysterious man.

"Get out you wieners!" yelled Snape throwing a tantrum, which was so repulsive that, the fan club ran away from the house to the nearest bomb shelter, carrying the mysterious man with them.

Sirius entered the room carrying a huge glass of chocolate milk.

"Sirius, why do you have a giant glass of chocolate milk?" asked Remus even though he didn't really give a crap.

"Because!" said Sirius "I'm depressed and chocolate milk makes me happy!" He took a huge drink of chocolate milk. He then started to choke.

When he was finally done choking Sirius decided he was missing something.

"What am I missing?" asked Sirius.

"Eggrolls?" said Snape

"Pudding?" said Remus

"Flamingo's?" asked Snape

"Pudding?" asked Remus

"Old men?" asked Snape

"Pudding?" asked Remus

"Pudding!" squealed Sirius in squeaky delight.

Remus took a bowl of pudding out of his brief case and held in out for Sirius. "You'd better come get it because I'm doing absolutely nothing and I don't feel like getting up." Said Remus lazily

"Just throw it to me." Said Sirius who couldn't get up because he had glued himself to his chair with super glue. "But don't drop it in my chocolate milk or I'll put anchovies in your pillow and you won't be able to sleep cuz you'll be smelling anchovies all night. And also anchovies aren't very nice to have in you're pillow. Ask Snape."

"It's true," said Snape who was playing poker against himself. He got a crappy hand and lost fourteen bucks, which caused him to have another tantrum. When you're a wizard with a low- paying job and a suitcase full of meat loaf, like Snape, fourteen buck's means allot.

Remus threw the bowl of pudding at Sirius. The bowl of pudding landed in the chocolate milk.

"I knew that was going to happen" said Snape happily.

"Me too" said Remus laughing

"ARG!" screamed Sirius "If I hadn't glued myself to this chair I would get up, go to the bathroom, grab some toilet paper, and chove it down your throat!"

"Why did you glue yourself to that chair?" asked Sirius' invisible friend, Jacque the French-fry.

"It seemed like an intelligent idea at the time!" said Sirius.

"Who's he talking to?" asked Snape confused.

"Jacque the french-fry probably" said Remus.

"Oh." Said Snape who decided to have a tantrum because he didn't have a french-fry for a friend.

Sirius left the house to find a job.


	5. Chapter 5

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ****Ch 5: The Lord Of the Salt**

Sirius got home around five thirty.

"I have seen the wonders of Green Day!" said Sirius.

"Are you wearing those green tinted goggles again?" asked Remus, who was baking a carrot cake.

"No! It's a band!" said Sirius "And I'm going to join it!"

"How are you going to do that?" asked Snape who was writing his will.

"I'm going to write to them and ask them if I can be their new guitar player!" squealed Sirius

Remus sighed "Sirius, you cant play the guitar."

"Oh yeah…I'll be a singer then. I'm going to write my letter now!" he ran off to write his letter.

"Snape! What are you leaving me in you're will?" Demanded Remus

"Nothing. I left everything to my gingerbread man named Greg." Said Snape

"Oh…" said Remus. It was at that precise moment Sirius came back holding an egg with lips.

"Sirius!" screamed Snape throwing a tantrum cuz everyone knows it's against the law for an egg to have lips. "WHY DOES THAT EGG HAVE LIPS?"

"This is my egg sister named Suzy Goldsneakers!" said Sirius. He then hugged Suzy Goldsneakers so hard she burst.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Sirius with much emotion "My sister has burst!" Sirius continued to cry. There was a knock on the door.

Snape answered the door. It was the mailman. Snape took the mail and put it in his underwear. Then the mailman ran away because Snape was singing and that is pretty scary when you're a mailman.

"Here's the mail, it never fails. It makes me want to wag my tail.  
When it comes I want to wail - Maaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllll!" sung Snape pulling the letters out of his underwear.

"REMUS! MAIL!" screamed Snape. He handed a letter to Remus.

Remus opened the envelope and pulled out…

MYSTERIOUS MAN! HURAY!

"Wow!" said Remus "That was a very sneaky entrance! Mysterious man has inspired me to learn the peaceful art of yoga!"

"SIRIUS! MAIL!" screamed Snape. He handed Sirius a letter

Sirius opened the letter and read it aloud "You suck. Never try to join our band again. Signed Green Day…NOOOOO! I'VE BEEN INSAULTED BY MY HERO'S!" Sirius ran out of the room screaming in complete and utter sadness. On his way out he passed mysterious man and Steve the violin player who were playing rock paper scissors: Sumo Style!

Suddenly Snape stood up and yelled, "I AM THE LORD! THE LORD OF THE SALT! I SHALL CONQUER THE WORLD WITH MY SALTINESS! MUAHAHAHAH! MUAHHAHAHA!"

Snape ran into the kitchen to make a cake using salt instead of sugar. That's right: salt.

Remus found himself alone.

"Wow! I feel so alone!" said Remus. To entertain himself he taught himself how to do yoga.

The next day Harry arrived. He walked into the living room expecting to get an emotionally beautiful greeting. He was, of course, wrong. Instead he walked in to find Snape having a tantrum, Remus doing yoga, Steve the violin player playing the violin, the mysterious man eating a ham, and Sirius was wearing a French maid uniform cleaning the house.

"Maybe I'll go back to the Dursley's" said Harry. "But first I want cake!"

Harry went into the kitchen and found a cake and brought it to the living room. He took a bite and…

"AAAAARRRGGHHHHH!" screamed Harry. "THE SALTYNESS! THE SALTYNESS!"

"Oh…Harry. You're here," said Remus

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Joining the MMF (mysterious man fanclud) helps desroy salt! Join the MMF today! 


	6. Chapter 6

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ****Ch 6: Jesus**

Sirius ran into the living room wearing a long White robe.

"I've got a new job!" squealed Sirius "Guess what it is!"

"A doctor?" asked Snape laughing. As if Sirius is smart enough to be a doctor.

"A Jewish person?" guessed Remus

"Nope!" said Sirius. "I'm Jesus!"

"Jesus?" said Harry.

"Yeah! This Hobo down the street said I could be Jesus if I give him all of Snapes precious meatloaf! YAY!"

"SIRIUS YOU YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" screamed Snape. He then had a tantrum because his meatloaf had been his most sacred possession. Without his meatloaf he was like a man without his most prized possession.

"Stick's and stones may brake my bones but I'm Jesus!" said Sirius repeating a line from Southpark. Sirius ran upstairs to find the cure to the common cold.

"Any chance he might actually be Jesus?" asked Harry.

"No" said Remus. "It's impossible."

"I don't know if we should believe you. You also said it was impossible to play solitaire upside down while eating a pickle!" said Snape who was playing solitaire upside down while eating a pickle.

"Yes, well this is absolutely impossible." Answered Remus. Sirius came running down the stairs screaming "Eureka! Eureka! I have found the cure for the common cold!"

"What is it?" asked Harry

"Pudding!" exclaimed Sirius excitedly.

Remus looked at him blankly. "Pudding? What pudding?"

"You're pudding!" said Sirius

"My Pudding?" said Remus

"Yes! You're Pudding!" said Sirius

"My Pudding? Why the heck would my pudding cure the common cold?" asked Remus

"Because I love you're pudding!" said Sirius. "And whatever I say is true! Cuz I'm Jesus! I will now prove my point!" To prove his point he ran outside grabbed a random person who happened to have a cold. He brought him into the house and shoved Remus' pudding down his throat. Unfortunately for Sirius the man's cold far from cured.

"IM A FAILURE!" Screamed Sirius pulling of his robe "I'M NOT JESUS! I'M NOT FIT TO BE JESUS!" he ran out of the room sobbing.

"I feel like lying under the couch." Said Remus. He tried to crawl under the couch but found mysterious man already sleeping under there. That made Remus very sad.

"That made me very sad!" said Remus. Remus kicked Snape, causing him to have another tantrum. That made Remus smile. Snapes tantrums always cheered Remus up.

Harry realized, he had been forgotten.

"HEY! YOU GUYS FORGOT ABOUT ME!" cried Harry. Everybody ignored and continued to forget about Harry.

To make people remember him Harry decided to build a bomb and blow up a tuna sandwich. So Harry constructed a bomb using nothing more than a paper clip, Steve the violin player, and a bomb. It was at that moment, Remus remembered Harry and saw what he was doing.

"Harry!" shrieked Remus "Why did you paper clip Steve the violin player to a bomb?"

"Ummm..." Said Harry looking ashamed "…I dunno…"

The bomb was about to blow up! Thank god Snape came to the rescue.

"I'LL SAVE YOU STEVE THE VIOLIN PLAYER!" yelled Snape grabbing Steve the violin player and unpapercliping him. He then threw the bomb into Sirius' room and slammed the door closed. They then heard a very large boom.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM" said the bomb, which exploded and caused a nasty mess.

Sirius' came out of his room looking very angry and dirty and he was wearing very raggy clothes. In fact he looked as if someone had thrown a bomb into his room which had exploded making a large boom and a very nasty mess.

"Wow!" said Harry, who was almost as stupid as Sirius. "What happened to you?"

"Somebody threw a bomb into my room which exploded making a large boom and a very nasty mess!" Yelled Sirius angrily. Nobody really cared.

Snape had a tantrum because nobody had even thanked him for saving Steve the violin player.

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Joining the MMF (mysterious man fanclub, everyone should know this by now!) will make me write chapters faster! Hurry and join the MMF before it's too late! 


	7. Chapter 7

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ****Ch7: One Club Too Rule Them All.**

"Snape" said Remus "You're not creative.

"Yes I am!" said Snape "I am _very _creative!" Snape ran to his room to be creative so he could prove to Remus that he was _very_ creative. But first he had a tantrum because what Remus had said really hurt his feelings.

"Guess what?" said Sirius "I have decided to start an "S" club! You can only be in my club if you're name begins with "S"! That means me Snape and Steve the violin player!"

Snape walked into the room wearing a very creative pink broccoli costume.

"See?" said Snape "I'm very creative! AHHHHHHGGGGGGGG!"

Snape was screaming because Sirius was now dragging him and Steve the violin player out of the room to the "S" club secret headquarters. AKA. The closet.

In the closet the "S" club did many "S" things. They wrote the letter "S" over and over and over again. Then they made a list of things that start with the letter "S". Then they ate saran wrap and salami sandwiches. "Yum" said Sirius.

"That made me feel very left out." Said Remus feeling very left out. Remus and mysterious man were reading they're horoscopes."I shall now start my own club with mysterious man. It shall be called the pudding and…umm…"

Mysterious man held up his ham.

"I love ham too!" said Remus "It shall be called the pudding and ham club! Or the PAH club for short! At our club meeting's we shall do pudding and ham dances."

Remus did a pudding dance and mysterious man did a ham dance. That caused it to rain pudding and ham outside.

"Can I be in your club?" asked Harry.

"NOOO!" roared Remus.

"FINE!" cried Harry "I'm starting my own club called the Poison All The Idiotic Old Guys club! Or the Patio G. club for short! And I shall poison all the idiotic old guys with wacky wild dream potion, which will cause everyone to have wacky wild dreams!" Harry then poisoned all the idiotic old guys with wacky wild dream potion, which will give them very weird dreams indeed.

It was at that moment the MMF (mysterious man fanclub, and that's the last time I'm saying it.) Arrived, bursting through the door. They jumped on mysterious man and broke several of mysterious man's bones.

It was also at that moment the "S" club arrived back in the living room. Snape had a tantrum because he had been forced to do very idiotic things at the club meeting.

"That just gave me an idea," said Remus "Let's have a competition to find out which club is the best! And all the clubs that aren't the best have to stop being a club! The competition will be who can stand on their head the longest! Everybody pick someone to represent their club!"

The "S" club chose Snape to represent their club. The PAH club chose Remus cuz mysterious man is way too mysterious to stand on his head. The MMF chose Dumbledore for some idiotically stupid reason. And the Patio G. club chose Harry cuz Harry is the only person in the Patio G. club.

Snape was the first person out. He fell down because he had a tantrum for absolutely no reason at all.

"NOOOOO!"" screamed Sirius, "My club is ruined!" he then ran to Remus' room crying so he could eat all Remus' pudding. There he practiced a spell which would give Snape a tan.

The next person out was Harry who had the hiccups. That's when everyone realized why Dumbledore was still in the competition. He was asleep! Remus' was so shocked he fell over.

Dumbledore woke up and joined the MMF to celebrate. The MMF cheered and carried the mysterious man out the door and to the MMF secret clubhouse (The cheese factory).

Sirius ran back into the room to say something important.

"I just learnt an instant tanning spell!" said Sirius "I shall now use it on Snape!" he used the spell on Snape.

Instead of getting an instant tan, Snape got transformed into a cake.

"Oh…" said Sirius "…Oops?" Sirius then ran to his room to find a spell to turn Snape back.

Remus and harry were laughing their heads of because Snape was a cake.

The tooth fairy flew in the window and turned Snape back into himself. Snape had a tantrum cuz it's not very fun to be cake.

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I hate this chapter. oh well...

Join the MMF today and get a free trenchcoat! LONG LIVE THE MYSTERIOUS MAN!

AND TRENCHCOATS!


	8. Chapter 8

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ****Ch8: Very Strange Dreams Indeed.**

That night everyone fell asleep and because of Harry's potion they had very strange dreams. Very strange dreams indeed.

**Sirius' dream**

Sirius was sitting on a grandfather clock when his mother walked into the room. Steve the violin player was playing the violin in the background.

"Make way for royalty!" screamed Sirius' mom, who then dissolved into nothingness.

Harry walked into the room carrying Remus. Sirius leaped into action grabbing Remus, throwing him into swimming pool full of chocolate milk. He then grabbed Harry and threw him out the window.

"WHEE!" cried Harry. Who flew out the window and landed on Dumbledore.

Sirius started to play pin the tail on the Snape.

"Ouchie!" said Snape who had just been pinned in the butt. "Hey! I have a tail now! Yay!" Snape did a victory dance.

That's when Bilbo ran into the room. He was full of oil.

"I'm oily!" Said Bilbo. Bilbo then ran around the room and got it all oily.

"NO!" screamed Sirius "My room is all oily! Now my mother will ground me!" he started to cry pathetically.

**Remus' Dream**

Remus was swimming in a lake full of pudding with a house elf named Fizzfizzledink. Suddenly a huge yacht came by and picked them up.

"Pudding! Pudding! P-U-D-D-I-N-G! Go Pudding!" cheered the captain. The captain the cannonballed into the lake and ate all the pudding. Sirius ran onto the boat, pointed at Remus and screamed "AHHHGGGG! UNIBROW!" Steve the violin player walked up to Sirius and whacked him with his violin.

"Huh?" said Remus looking in a mirror. It was true. Remus had a uni brow "AHHHGGGGG!" Remus grabbed a can of canned milk and beat himself senseless with it.

Bilbo Baggins ran by in a tutu and screamed "Tutu man to the rescue!" Bilbo then did CPR to Remus until he was breathing again.

Snape walked around wearing very high-heeled shoes. Harry ran up to Snape and gave him a very massive wedgie.

"ARG!" squealed Snape. He then melted into mush.

**Mysterious Man's Dream.**

Mysterious man was in a hammock in the middle of Timbuktu.

Suddenly he spotted the MMF running right at him so he jumped into a toilet that was filled with jam.

Snape jumped out of another toilet and kicked the MMF to Timbuktu.

Since they were already in Timbuktu that wasn't a very far kick. So Sirius jumped out of a daffodil bush and ate the MMF.

"Yum!" said Sirius "Tastes like porridge!"

Bilbo Baggins drove by in a car and screamed "Long live hairless cat's!" and drove away.

Mysterious man came out of the toilet and started to dance with Steve the violin player.

"Pigs, Pigs the magical fruit the more you eat the more you tute!" sang Sirius. Sirius then turned into a large purple pig.

Remus walked over to mysterious man, wearing a waitress dress and said, "May I take your order?" Remus then head butted mysterious man so hard, mysterious man turned into flower fertilizer.

**Steve the violin players dream**

Steve the violin player was in kindergarten when Sirius mooned the class. That caused Steve the violin player to turn into mutated garlic.

"EEEWWWWW!" screamed the kids who turned into elephants.

Snape went up to Sirius and beat the crap out of him with a blender.

"PUDDING FOR ALL!" screamed Remus throwing chocolate pudding at everyone. Except Harry got giant beanstalk pudding. Harry ate it and turned into a beanstalk.

"CLIMB HARRY!" screamed Snape who was climbing Harry the magic beanstalk. The beanstalk disappeared and Snape fell down onto Sirius. The pressure of Snape on top of him caused Sirius to turn into a cactus.

"OOOWWW!" screamed Snape who had just been pricked by a Sirius the cactus. That caused Snape to turn into a Peanut butter and jam sandwich.

Mysterious man came with an axe and chopped down Harry the magical beanstalk. Harry the magic beanstalk landed on mysterious man and turned him into a purse full of spearmint gum.

Remus, being the only one left whom was human, started to hunt pigeons. He accidentally shot himself in the head and turned into a shoe.

Bilbo Baggins by, did a cartwheel fell down and turned into mustard.

**Snape's Dream**

Snape was in a giant washing machine with his roommates and the mysterious man.

"SNAPE IS A FOOL WITH GREASY HAIR," yelled Snape to himself. Everyone else agreed.

"Konfu chicken!" yelled Sirius ripping of his clothes and head butting Snape in the back. Snape fell over and landed on a mustard tree.

Remus crawled up to mysterious man and bit him. Mysterious man belly flopped Remus. That's when things got very violent.

Bilbo Baggins came and yelled "TIME TO EAT HAMBURGERS!"

Everybody began to panic and eat hamburgers.

Brittany Spears arrived and began to sing about turkeys.

* * *

Joining the MMF prevents cavities! Keep your teeth healthy today and Join the MMF! 


	9. Chapter 9

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ****Ch9: Three wishes**

Snape woke up to find Sirius in his room looking through his drawers.

"AAAHHHGGG!" screamed Snape "why are you in my room?"

"I need a hole punch." Said Sirius "So I can punch holes in my sliced cheese and make Swiss cheese! Long live Swiss cheese!" Sirius ran into Remus' room to look for a hole punch.

Snape had a tantrum then went into the kitchen to find Remus eating a huge barrel of pudding. When everybody was in the room Snape made an announcement.

"I think Remus has an unhealthy addiction to pudding!" screamed Snape so loud it hurt everybody's ears. Remus started to cry.

"IT'S TRUE!" cried Remus "I'M A MONSTER!" he cried so hard he couldn't see anything then he tried to run to his room but ran into the wall instead. That caused him to become unconscious.

It was at that moment when Steve the violin player said something for the first time since living at the house of Black.

"Les cochon! Les cochon! Hi hi hi! Ho ho ho!" said Steve the violin player.

"Oh no!" screamed Harry "Steve the violin player is possessed by my sardine sandwich!" Harry ran to the church to pray for Steve the violin player.

"Snape!" said Sirius "is he really possessed?"

"NO!" said Snape "He's French!"

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Sirius very dramatically. "THAT'S EVEN WORSE! WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"He clearly said "The pigs! The pigs! Hi hi hi! Ho ho ho!"" said Snape very seriously. "He was probably just calling you and Harry pigs. Since that is quite true." Suddenly Remus woke up.

"Where's the mysterious man?" asked Remus

"The mysterious man is on vacation in Honolulu." Answered Snape

"Where's Harry?" asked Sirius

"Who cares?" said Snape and Remus at the same time. That's when Harry came back carrying a priest.

"This priest will make Steve not be possessed anymore!" Said Harry.

"STEVE IS NOT POSSESED!" yelled Snape having a tantrum.

"Oh.." said Harry throwing the priest out the window.

The priest land on Dumbledore.

"IT'S RAINING PREIST'S! AGGGHJHHH! RUN!" screamed Dumbledore running for his life.

Back inside the house Sirius decided to read "The outsiders" aloud to everyone.

"AAGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Snape having a tantrum "I HATE THE OUTSIDERS! WHY MUST YOU READ THE OUTSIDERS? WHY NOT CLUELESS?"

"Because I have become a professional Outsider reader." Said Sirius.

Suddenly a naked baby ran across the room, Sirius tripped over a drunken midget, Snape rubbed his ear and a genie came out of it.

"I am the genie that lives in Snapes ear!" said the genie "I shall now grant you three wishes! What shall they be?"

"Oh! Let me wish!" shrieked Sirius. "I wish I was an Oscar Myers wiener!" He then turned into an Oscar Myers wiener.

"NOOOOOO!" yelled Harry "My godfather can't be an Oscar Myers wiener. What will the guy's at school think?"

"They'll think you're an idiot. Same as always." Said Snape.

"I wish Sirius wasn't an Oscar Myers wiener!" said Harry. Sirius turned into himself again.

"YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" screamed Sirius at Harry. Sirius then beat Harry up with a doughnut.

"I wish I had an endless supply of pudding!" said Remus who then had an endless supply of pudding.

Snape had the hugest tantrum so far because his wishes had been idiotically wasted. The genie didn't want to go near Snape while he was having a tantrum so he went to live in Dumbledore's ear.

* * *

Join the MMF club today and get a free Dumbledore! Yay old men! 


	10. Chapter 10

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ****Ch10: Umpa Lumpa's and Other Transformations**

Everybody was eating supper in the kitchen. Except Snape. Snape was in his room having a tantrum.

"When I grow up I want to be macaroni salad." Said Sirius, who was eating macaroni salad for supper.

"That's impossible" said Remus, who was eating pudding for supper "First of all: you're already grown up. Second of all: It's impossible to be macaroni salad."

"Oh…" said Sirius sadly. His hopes and dreams had just been shattered.

Suddenly Snape ran into the room. His skin was died orange, his hair and eyebrows were died Green, and he was wearing overalls.

"LOOK AT ME!" yelled Snape "I'm an umpa lumpa!"

"Oh!" squealed Sirius happily "Can you sing an umpa lumpa song for us?"

"Yes!" said Snape whom then sang his personal umpa lumpa song:

"Umpa Lumpa doopity didiot

Sirius Black is a great big idiot

Umpa Lumpa Doopity Dobot

He's as dumb as a deep-fried robot

What do you get when your roommates a wimp?

Walking around like a Siamese chimp?

I wonder if his brain is made of lead.

Or maybe his mother dropped him on his head?

That might explain a lot.

Umpa Lumpa doopity dool.

Maybe Sirius should go to high school

But would be to advance for him.

He belongs in Umpa Lumpa Kindergarten!"

Everybody stared at Snape for a while. Then Sirius started to cry a bit.

"That was so beautiful!" sobbed Sirius hugging Snape very tightly.

"NOOO!" howled Snape having another tantrum "That was supposed to make him sad! He was supposed to be sad I say! SAAAAAAAADDD!" Snape ran to his room to make another plan to make Sirius sad.

"Guess what?" said Sirius "I have become an author! And I have written my first story! I shall now read my story aloud!" he then read his story out loud.

" The night before Easter: By Sirius Black" said Sirius.

"'Twas the night before Easter and all through the cape

Not a man was stirring except for Severus Snape-"

"Stop reading Sirius!" demanded Remus "Go to your room!" Sirius went to his room.

"Look!" said Harry "Look at my pet toaster!" everyone looked at Harry. Harry had a toaster on a leash.

"What's a toaster?" asked Remus. Steve the violin player and the mysterious man shrugged. Steve the violin player actually didn't shrug because it is impossible to shrug and play the violin at the same time. But he would have if it were possible.

"Well…I'm going to build the first ever transmortifier so I can transform myself into a can of gravy!"

Ten seconds later harry came down the stairs carrying a big box that had "transmortifier" written on it.

"You built the transmortifier that fast?" asked Remus shocked.

"No, I remembered that I built one last year." Said Harry. Harry walked into the box and said "Can of gravy!"

When Harry walked out of the box he was a can of gravy.

"Wow!" said Remus. "Can I use your transmortifier to transform all Snapes socks into pudding?"

"Gravy. Gravy" said Harry the can of Gravy. Gravy was the only word cans of gravy were capable of saying. So Remus used the transmortifier to transform all of Snapes socks into pudding. That's when Snape walked down the stairs and had a tantrum cuz all his socks were now pudding.

* * *

Join the MMF and get your name at the end of the next chpter! YAY MMF! 


	11. Chapter 11

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ****Ch11: The Grumpy Old Pole**

"I need a doctor! I need a doctor!" screamed Sirius running into the living room "My hand hurts!" he cried pathetically.

"Well I'll take a look at it" said Snape "But I remind you: I'm an expert on humans, not robots."

"Im not a robot." Said Sirius, who's hand no longer hurt. "Ahgggghhh! OHMIGOD!" screamed Sirius, freaking out and jumping on the mysterious man. Remus grabbed Sirius and held him back. The mysterious man ran to Jamaica to work on his tan.

"What was that about?" asked Remus to Sirius.

"Oh. I gave up on finding a job and joined the MMF. That means mysterious man fanclub." Said Sirius matter-of-factly.

"Oh…" said Remus

"Right…" said Snape

"Gravy…" said Harry the can of gravy.

"SHUT UP HARRY THE CAN OF GRAVY!" screamed Remus whacking Harry the can of gravy with a TV remote. That caused the TV to turn on.

"AAAGGGGHHHH!" screamed Sirius "WHAT'S THAT?" he pointed at the TV.

"I don't know!" screamed Snape panicking "Were did it come from? REMUS! WHY AREN'T YOU PANICKING!" Remus was eating pudding.

"Cuz I don't give a crap?" said Remus.

"HARRY THE GRAVY CAN!" shrieked Sirius "WHAT IS THAT!"

"Gravy." Said Harry the can of Gravy.

"Oh… ok!" said Snape and Sirius who stopped panicking because gravy is not very scary at all.

"I just saw something incredibly cool!" said Sirius pointing at the TV. "In the gravy, there was a lion eating a pink Popsicle, plus some green ones that were so beautiful, I fell to my knees and cried." Nobody listened simply because nobody cared.

Snape was hungry. He was about to open the fridge when he heard somebody inside it.

"WHOOP! WHOOP!" whooped the man in the fridge "WHOOP! WHOOP!"

"There's someone whooping in the fridge again," said Snape to Remus.

"I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS!" said Remus opening the fridge. Out came a…metal pole! The pole began to sing:

"I'm the grumpy old pole, that lives in your fridge!

HEY!

I'm the grumpy old pole, that lives in your fridge!

WHO'S THERE?

If you want to eat something all you have to do is this, all you have to do is this:

EAT THIS WAX!"

The pole gave Snape and Remus chunk's of wax. They both shrugged and ate the wax. The pole then jumped out the window for no reason. Snape ate a balloon.

"I just tripped and fell down the stairs!" screamed Sirius who had just fell down the stairs. "My dream has come true! I've only got two dreams left! To be invisible and to be married to a mailman, who is in fact a girl!"

"I was about to turn you invisible so you'd be less annoying" said Snape "But if it's your dream I don't think I will." He put his wand away. Sirius became very depressed.

"The MMF is the coolest club ever!" said Sirius trying to get people to join the club.

"Who's in it?" asked Snape 'Just you and Dumbledore?"

"NOOOOOO! Me, Dumbledore, bookyboo, maraunder4ever, little Mimi aquarie159, little Mimi, Linnyloo, Sirius's Daughter, Hitome-Catdemon of Water, poke ze Jello, prongs-gurl202113, xmaraudergirlsx, and bananafritters." Said Sirius.

"Wow!" said Remus "They have very odd names!" 

"Gravy!" agreed Harry the can of Gravy.

* * *

Wow! That was a very odd chapter! 

I don't think i'll be writing anymore chapters for a while...

Join the MMF just because you can!


	12. Chapter 12

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ** **Ch12: Pepsi Blue**

Sirius walked in the house after a long day of doing nothing, wearing his disguise and a shirt that said "I love Pepsi Blue!" on it.

"AHHHGGGG!" screamed Snape, having a tantrum, because his most hated thing was Pepsi Blue.

"I must agree with Snape," said Remus who had ran out of pudding and was know filling his shoes and pockets (and underwear) with fresh new chocolate pudding. "Pepsi Blue tastes like crap."

Mysterious man and Steve the violin player nodded in agreement.

"Gravy!" agreed Harry the can of gravy who was donating his gravy for those who needed gravyer potatoes.

"I'm so sick and tired and exhausted and angry and pooped and tired of hearing that word!" screamed Sirius loosing his patience, which did not happen very often. He whipped out his magical fairy cheese dust and sprinkled it on Harry the can of gravy. Harry the can of gravy turned back into normal human Harry. What a bummer.

"Noooo!" screamed Snape and Remus at the same time.

"He's back! Oh no!" screamed Remus.

Snape had a completely silent tantrum. I'm not kidding. He didn't make a sound. Everyone else watched in complete amazement. Except Snape had already been having a tantrum when he had his new tantrum, so he was now having two tantrums at the same time! Snape is very multitalented that way.

"Wow!" said everybody including Harry.

"Hey!" cried Harry "I'm not Gravy anymore!" he started to cry and ran to his room.

Everybody also cried because they now realized they had to live with Harry.

"Swear!" sweared Sirius, who was now making eggs. "I burnt my egg to a crisp! I always do that."

"Yummy!" squealed Snape who loved his eggs burnt to a crisp. He shoved the egg in his pocket for later.

"I need a girlfriend." Decided Sirius. He then signed up for a matchmaker game show called " a matchmaker game show" where he would get to pick which of three girls would be his girlfriend.

Sirius put on his disguise and ran to the game show place for his TV debut. Meanwhile…

The rest of the people were playing Pictionary. It was Remus' turn to draw. He picked a card, which said he had to draw an old man beating a hamburger named Freckles with a cardboard box.

"That's easy!" said Remus. He drew something that looked suspiciously like pudding.

"Is it an old man beating a hamburger named Freckles with a cardboard box?" guessed Harry even though Harry is too stupid to answer a question right.

"YEAH!" said Remus. Snape had a tantrum.

"THEN WHY DID YOU DRAW PUDDING?" asked Snape loudly.

Remus shrugged and said, "Pudding's all I know how to draw."

At that moment Sirius came home with his new girlfriend: Professor Mcgonigal! Everybody was so scared; they stopped talking and became invisible.

"Hmmm…" said Mcgonigal lovingly "This place looks familiar." She didn't know her new boyfriend was in fact Sirius Black, because Sirius Black was still wearing his super Dee duper disguise!

Sirius pulled of his disguise and said lovingly "It is I! Sirius Black your one and only true love! Now you shall live in my house with me, Harry Remus, Steve the violin player, the mysterious man, and temporarily with Snape! You can share a room with my pet cantaloupe named Bunion!" Remember Bunion from the first chapter?

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Mcgonigal who then ran out the door screaming like a madman. You'd scream like a madman too if you had just came very close to living in the same house as Harry Potter.

"Oh well" said Sirius happily "She was old anyway." The others became visible again.

"Snape!" said Remus' proudly "I bought you fat free peanut butter to help you with your diet!" he held out the fat free peanut butter.

Snape gasped and said "What makes it fat free?"

"There's no sugar in it!" squealed Remus.

"Yuck!" yelled Sirius' in disgust. Sirius had just finished eating a large barrel absolutely full of extra sugary sugar.

Snape gasped "Where'd the sugar go?"

"In the barrel? I ate it!" said Sirius.

"Not in the barrel you twit!" gasped Snape "What happened to the sugar that's missing from the peanut butter?"

Remus shrugged "Maybe Sirius ate it. Here try this peanut butter."

Snape gasped, grabbed the peanut butter and ate a spoonful, and gasped again.

"It taste like wax! Yummy!" shrieked Snape happily. Him and Remus then ate the rest of the peanut butter with spoons cuz wax was their favorite flavor of peanut butter. It was their favorite flavor of anything actually. Except pudding. Pudding has to be chocolate.

Sirius did not join in since he was highly allergic to things that were not filled with sugary goodness. He then ate a hotdog with maple syrup.

"Yum!" said Sirius cutely.


	13. Chapter 13

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ** **Ch13: Random Company**

Remus walked outside to find Sirius lying in the middle of the road.

"New job?" asked Remus

"Yup!" said Sirius "I'm a speed bump! Hurray"

Remus went back inside. To his horror he found Harry had died his hair blonde! He also had blue contacts on.

"HARRY!" screamed Remus "Explain you new looks!"

"I want to look more like Malfoy" explained Harry "Maybe now I can get a girlfriend!"

"I doubt it." Said Snape who was eating green eggs and ham.

Remus invited a whole bunch of people over cuz the characters in this story are getting very boring and stale. So everybody came over and brought refreshments!

"MOVE AWAY! MY HEAD FEELS LIKE A CUCUMBER!" screamed Dumbledore.

"HEY!" screamed Remus "I NEVER INVITED YOU!" Remus then kicked Dumbledore out of the house.

"My spider senses are telling me, groundhogs will take over the world." Said Hermione looking up from her encyclopedia of shoes.

"OH DEEEAAARRR!" screamed Ron jumping out the window.

"You have spider senses?" said Neville adoringly to Hermione "Woah!"

That's when Sirius entered the room again. He had many tire marks on him. He put on a pair of platform shoes.

Oliver Wood did a circus routine.

"Im from Chicago!" said Fred.

"No you're not"! Screamed George

"YES I AM!" screamed Fred

"NOOOOO!" screamed George. Fred and George then got into a very violent fistfight.

"You see!" screamed Sirius "This is why we don't have company!"

"AGGHH! SIRIUS BLACK!" screamed Malfoy fainting.

"NOOO!" said Ginny who had just gotten very bad plastic surgery. "My semi-good looks are ruined!" she started to sob.

"OOOOHHHHH!" yelled Lucius Malfoy. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? LUCIUS MALFOY! Absorbent and yellow and-OUCH!" Snape had just slammed Lucius' fingers in a plastic china cabinet.

Voldemort suddenly ran into the house wearing a doctor costume and carrying a pumpkin pie.

"Hi everybody!" said Voldemort.

"Hi Doctor Voldemort!" chorused everybody else.

"Die Voldemort!" yelled Harry. He then killed Voldemort with a twelve pack of beer.

Snape walked into the room wearing a cheetah dress. He began to pound on his chest and sing:

"Snape, Snape, Snape, Snape of the jungle watch out for that…" He ran into a hunk of metal. "…Hunk of metal!" Snape then passed out.

"I LOVE PURPLE STEW! I LOVE PURPLE SEWBYDUBYDUBYDU! PURPLE TOMATO'S AND PURPLE POTATO'S AND YOU IN MY PURPLE STEW!" sang Dobby. He began to dance to the song Mumbo Number Five.

Hermione began to cry.

"Why are you crying Hermione dearest?" asked Dean Thomas.

"BEACAUSE!" yelled Hermione "I CAN'T DO A SUMMERSAULT!" She cried so hard it cause everybody to go to the other side of the room and stare at her terrified.

"Shish kabobs have stolen my baby," said Percy with no emotion.

"My name is none of your business!" cried Neville in much distress.

"Everybody then left the house for absolutely no reason.


	14. Chapter 14

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ****Ch14: Sleep Over**

"Can Ron sleep over?" asked Harry.

"Eew no" said Sirius looking disgusted. "He smells!"

"Too late! He's here already!" Harry pointed to Ron who was there already. Remus walked into the room and almost passed out.

"Gasp!" said Remus smelling something quite unpleasant. "Did the sewers explode?"

"Nope." Said Sirius sadly. Even the sewers exploding would smell better than Ron would. "Ron's here."

"Hey you guys! Guess what?" said Ron happily "I've got a girlfriend!"

Sirius laughed "Yeah right! And who is it? A house elf?" he said sarcastically. He continued laughing.

"Yup!" said Ron not catching on to the sarcasm, pulling the drunken Winky out of his pocket. "I love you!" said Ron to Winky. Suddenly Hermione ran into the room with a suitcase and her favorite big comfy couch.

"Make way for your highness the queen of Scotland!" screamed Hermione.

"Ooh!" squealed Harry "Were is she?"

"I AM THE QUEEN OF SCOTLAND YOU ROOSTER HEAD!" screamed Hermione. "I have come for the sleepover."

Hermione then pulled out a banana peel, crawled in to it as if it were a sleeping bag and fell asleep.

"Im utterly confused." Said Sirius suddenly. "Witch hand is my right hand?"

"This one!" said Harry pointing at Sirius' left hand.

Oliver wood suddenly jumped into the room with Lucius Malfoy.

"Were here for the sleep over!" said Lucius.

"Wow!" said Harry happily 'I feel so popular!"

"We didn't come here for you!" screamed Oliver "We came here for the free noodles and pie!" Lucius and Oliver had a feast of noodles and pie.

Harry turned into a leprechaun.

That's when Snape decided to get his hand stuck in a wine bottle.

"This is very uncomfortable." Remarked Snape.

"Just have a tantrum Snape." Said Remus "The friction will cause the bottle to fly off your hand and hit Harry in the head."

"I cant though!" cried Snape "I'm on my anti-tantrum antibiotics!"

"Oh…" said Remus "You're stuck like that then." Remus then ate some pudding and ran around in a circle at the same time. He accidentally tripped. The pudding flew across the room and hit Snape in the hand. That caused the bottle to fly off his hand and hit Harry in the head.

"Ouch!" said Harry. "My now my butt hurts!"

"But the bottle hit you in the head!" said Sirius "How can it hurt your butt?"

"CUUUUUZZZZ!" sang Harry "My head bones connected to my butt bone my butt bone's connected to my liver bone…" he continued singing until he had explained exactly how his body was put together.

"Harry, you are a very odd person." Said Snape.

"Am not," said Harry

"Are too" said Snape.

Snape and Harry then got into a very large fight.

"I'm sailing away!" sung Lucius in a beautiful voice. "Sailing open course for the virgin sea. Cuz I've got to be free! Free to face the world that's ahead of me!"

Sirius started to cry, "That was depressing." Said him.

Remus burst out laughing.

"Why is you laughing?" asked Sirius, sounding much like a house elf.

"My grandpa married a toad stool!" he continued to laugh hysterically and roll on the floor.

Snape did the worm.

* * *

Okay... First of all :I know Sirius isnt an idiot! I also know Harry isnt an idiot either and Ron dosent smell like exploded sewer! Harry is also not a can of gravy. If I had all the characters in my story like they are in the actuall book it wouldnt be very funny at all. Therfore I would appreciate people not telling me I'm wrong about Sirius. I'm not trying to be rude, i'm just defending myself.

Second of all: Join the MMF and maybe I'll put the mysterious man and Steve the violin player back in the story.


	15. Chapter 15

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ** **Ch15: School Starts**

"CD's are the fruit of tomorrow!" cried Sirius, eating a Linkin Park CD.

"I know eh?" said Snape eating a Shania Twain CD.

"That was rude!" shrieked Shania Twain jumping out the window.

"Why does everybody always jump out our window?" asked Harry jumping out the window.

"Cuz it's fun and amusing!" said Hermione and she jumped out the window.

Suddenly Ron had a heart attack.

"Isn't Ron a bit young to have a heart attack?" asked Remus. He threw Ron out the window. He accidentally fell out the window himself.

"You can have a heart attack at any age when you smell that bad." said Snape. He jumped out the window.

Sirius was reading the big book of laws.

"Did you know it's illegal for someone named Oliver to marry someone named Katrina?"

"Noooo!" screamed Oliver. "Now I can't marry my dear Katrina!" he jumped out the window.

"I guess it's just you and me eh?" said Lucius Malfoy to Sirius.

"Yup! Let's play Snakes and ladders!" said Sirius. They then played a very serious game of Snakes and Ladders.

Sirius started to chant Wednesday.

"Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday!" Lucius joined in.

When Remus walked in Sirius and Lucius were still chanting Wednesday.

"Wow!" said Remus.

Steve the violin player suddenly fell through the roof and landed on Lucius. Lucius passed out unconsciously.

"Hey! Where'd you go?" asked Sirius who hadn't even noticed that Steve the violin player had been missing from the last chapters. Steve the violin player answered by playing the Sesame Street song on his violin.

"Oh." Said Sirius.

"Can I borrow thirty bucks Sirius?' asked Harry walking into the house.

"WHY!" bellowed Sirius.

"School starts in three days and I still didn't get my books and supply's." said Harry sadly.

"Nooo! Who do you think I am? You're guardian?" asked Sirius.

"As a matter of fact…" said Harry.

"Actually you are Sirius." Said Remus.

"Too bad!" Sirius ran out of the room screaming.

"Fine then!" Said Harry "My new guardian is Snape!"

"NOOO!" screamed Snape in tantrumy terror. Snape ran out of the room. He now knew how Sirius felt. Harry ran of to the train station to spend three days waiting for the train.

"Finally!" said Remus "Harry is gone!"

Remus, Mysterious Man, and Steve the violin player celebrated by roasting pickles on an open fire.

Snape listened to a song called "Heaven 911". It made him cry like crazy. If you've ever heard that song you know how incredibly sad it is.

Sirius fell down the stairs _again_.

"SIRIUS! STOP FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS!" screamed Snape having a tantrum.

"TOO BAD!" screamed Sirius. Sirius and Snape got in a huge food fight.

Remus broke it up by handing everybody a serving of pudding.

"YUUMMMYYYYY!" screamed Sirius and Snape.


	16. Chapter 16

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black ** **Ch16: Nonsense**

Sirius decided to bug Snape. So he ran up to Snape and poured ranch salad dressing on his head. Snape had a tantrum and grabbed Sirius by the throat.

"AAAHHHHGGGGG!" yelled Snape.

" Parley! I invoke the right of Parley!" said Sirius.

"What are you talking about?" asked Snape letting go of Sirius.

"I donno." Said Sirius shrugging "Parley just sounded like a good word to say at that moment."

"Oh" said Snape thoughtfully.

"Is there such thing as vampires?" asked Sirius.

"Yes." Said Remus even though he didn't actually know if that was true.

"AHHHHGGGG!" screamed Sirius hiding under the kitchen sink.

"Hi Snape." Said Remus for some reason.

"Hi Remus." Said Snape "How's you're mother?"

"Fine actually." Said Remus

"That's good to hear." Said Snape.

"Hey!" exclaimed Sirius all of a sudden, holding something up "Look at the jeans I just found under the sink!"

"Sirius those aren't jeans." Said Remus "It's a turkey"

"Ouch!" said Sirius as the turkey attacked him.

Snape started to run around like crazy.

"STOP RUNNING YOU FOOL!" yelled Remus who was starting to feel nauseous.

"Remus!" said Snape "Can we get a puppy? PLEEEEAAAASSSEEE!"

"No." said Remus. "It will remind us too much of our poor dead Sirius. God bless his soul."

"But I'm not dead." Said Sirius.

"Oh yeah!" said Remus 'okay. We can get a dog."

"Good cuz I already got one." Said Snape talking a pink poodle out of his briefcase. "I shall name him Pork Chop!"

Snape hugged Pork Chop so hard he turned into a sardine sandwich.

"He's...He's…DEAD!" sobbed Snape in a sobbing kind of way.

"No he's not, " said Sirius "He's just a sardine sandwich!" he ate the sardine sandwich "Okay! Now he's dead. Oops"

"NOOOO!" screamed Snape in agony.

"Everybody stop talking!" screamed Remus "There's too much dialog happening!"

Everybody stopped talking. That made everybody get very bored. Sirius decided to run out of the house.

"That was odd," said Snape when Sirius was out of sight.

"Where'd he go?" asked Snape

"Who cares?" asked Remus

Suddenly Steve the violin player burst out in tears. He continues to cry and play the violin at the same time while Remus, Snape and the mysterious man stared with wide eyes.

"Why's he crying?" screamed Snape panicking. He then had a tantrum.

"Maybe he's hungry?" asked Remus.

"No. He can't be hungry on account of he just ate a ten pond hamburger." Said Snape in mid tantrum.

Remus, Mysterious man and Snape decided to ignore Steve the violin player.

"Remus what would you do if I took my clothes of and ran around the neighborhood naked?" asked Snape

"I'd probably pull all my hair out and jump of a large building Snape"

said Remus.

"Oh…yeah me too." Said Snape.


	17. Chapter 17

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black**

**Ch 17: The First Task**

"Hey! You guys!" said Sirius once again. "My story got published in Chicken Soup For The Turkish Soul!" He held up his copy of "Chicken soup for the Turkey soul"

"Meh" said Snape who then put a curse on Remus.

"Hey! said Remus "What was that curse about?"

"Now if you say the words "Brown Jug' you will explode. " said Snape sadly "sorry."

"It's okay." said R4mus "As if I'll ever even say "Brown jug" Remus then exploded.

"Uh Oh!" said Snape "Don't worry Remus!I'll unexploded you!" He then used dark magic to unexploded Remus.

"Wow" said Remus who wasn't exploded anymore.

"Hey Remus!" said Sirius "Point up and spell 'I met'!"

"Remus pointed up and said "I-M-E-T" But of course if you say that out loud it sounds like you said "I am E.T"

"IMPOSTER!" screamed E.T the extra terrestrial. E.T grabbed an alien hamburger and beat Remus senseless. Remus didn't feel anything it because he had too much pudding in his blood stream to feel pain. Suddenly Hermione ran in and fell in love with E.T.

"Hey E.T!" said Hermione romaticly "Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart!"

"Woah! said Snape in awe "What a corny attempt at being romantic!"

E.T and Hermione left in a dreamy cloud of romantic romance.

"I love this rubber duck!" said Sirius who was holding a cute little rubber duck. " He is is cute! In fact i love him so much that if anyone but me touches him I will personally kick them hard! I shall never let him out of my sight! Me and this rubber duck will now go to my room to play Chinese checkers!" Sirius ran off to his room.

Five minutes later Sirius was back.

"Would you believe I forgot my rubber duck?" said Sirius who then grabbed his rubber duck and ran to his room.

"You guys are my best friends!' said Snape.

"Thats new." said Remus.

Mysterious man walked into the room wearing a hat that said MMF on it.

"You joined your own club?" asked Remus.

Mysterious man nodded and did the hockie pockie. Remus watched in amazement while Snape had a tantrum.

"The hockie pockie looks so weird without the song to go woth it.

"Agreed!" agreed Snape.

Mrs. Weasley walked into the house happily

"I like myself!" said Mrs Weasley.

"I like you too!" said Remus.

"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?" screamed/sobbed Mrs. Weasley.

Remus shrugged "Not really" said Remus

"I hate you all!" screamed Mrs Weasley running out of the house.

"I hate her!" said Remus.

"Nodd" nodded Snape

Steve the violin player put on a sombrero and did a little dance while playing the banjo.

"I thought he played the violin" said Snape in a confused matter.

"He does of course!" said Remus

"NEWSFLASH!" screamed Sirius walking in " My new job includes wolves!"

"Really?" said Remus

"no" said Sirius and he sat in a fluffy chair.

"I see" said Remus eating a coffee bean.

"EUCK!" said Remus spitting out the coffee bean " I THOUGHT THAT WAS PUDDING! WHAT A NASTY SURPRIZE!"

"No kidding?" said Sirius.

The end (of this chapter)


	18. Chapter 18

**The many Jobs of Sirius Black**

**Ch 18: The last chapter **

Sirius barged through the door and opened his large noisy mouth and said, "I bought a computer!"

"What's that?" asked Snape.

"It's a muggle devise that allows you to work, play games, and talk to people all over the world!" said Sirius happily.

"You idiot!" said Snape having a tantrum "You need one of those pluggy in thingies in your wall to hook up a computer!"

"So?" asked Sirius stupidly.

"WE DONT HAVE ANY!" roared Snape very loudly.

"Oh darn!" said Sirius throwing the computer in the garbage.

"Do you know what's good about today?" asked Remus.

"Harry's not here?" said Snape.

"Right!" said Remus.

Suddenly Harry walked in. He was strangely painted red.

"AAAGGGHHH!" screamed everybody who was capable of screaming.

"Why aren't you at school?" shrieked poor Remus.

"I got expelled for being red." said Harry sadly.

"Why are you red?" asked Snape

"Because I am red man!" said Harry heroically "Ands I rule!"

"Ok! You can stay on one condition!" said Sirius

"What?" said Snape and Remus angrily. "We don't want him here!"

"Don't worry!' said Sirius real sneaky, "I'll make the condition something impossible that he cant possibly do so he'll have to leave!"

"Oh!" said Snape impressed "Very good idea."

"Exactly!" said Sirius "Ok Harry, you can stay on one condition… make there be a lightning bolt scar on your forehead!"

That caused everybody to groan massive groans.

"Hey!" said Harry after a minute of hard attempts to grow a lighting bolt scar. "I just remembered I already have one of those!"

"Duh" said Remus.

"Yay!" said Harry "I can stay!" He then ran to his room to fall out the window.

"Agghh!" yelled Snape running in with spray paint in his eyes "My eyes burn!"

"How did you get spray paint in your eyes?" asked Remus

"I wanted black eyes so I tried to spray paint them with pink spray paint! WAAHHH!"

"If you wanted black eyes" said Remus "Why did you spray paint your eyes with pink spray paint?"

"Hamm!" said Snape whose eyes did not hurt anymore "I guess that was stupid!"

"Merry Christmas!" said Sirius wisely.

"Its not Christmas yet" said Snape

"Exactly!" said Sirius as if he had just said something incredibly smart.

Suddenly Dumbledore ran by the opened the window and threw a bomb into the house! Oh my god!

"EEK!" screamed everybody!

The bomb blew up releasing red gas. In the middle of the gas appeared…Mrs. Weasley! Ah crap.

"Mrs. Weasley! What are you doing here?" asked Remus hiding the expensive gold silverware he had stolen from Mrs. Weasley house, behind his back.

"I am Iron man!" said Mrs. Weasley

"I knew you were to masculine to be a girl!" said Sirius.

"ROAR!" roared Mrs. Weasley "I am a girl! I am a girl Iron man!"

"That makes no sense!" cried Sirius in confusion.

And that is the end of my jolly little tale. But there are a few more things I should mention before I end the story. Mrs. Weasley fell out the window (like so many people had done before her) and got ran over by a zamboni. Sirius, Remus, Mysterious man, Snape and Steve the violin player lived happily together. Snape decided to move in permanently. Everybody even managed to get used to the annoying Harry boy. I ran out of blank paper and couldn't print my history project. The MMF (mysterious man fan club) will always be the coolest club ever and will go on to take over the world! I would also like to mention Bilbo Baggins. He rules! Yay Bilbo!

The End (unless I one day decide to make a sequel to this story.)


End file.
